George Venturi and the Human Resorces Department
by bahjcb
Summary: George is having his annual review. It's really not his fault his stress levels are so high. HR should try living with Derek and Casey. Dasey
1. Year One

**Author's Note: In college I took a class called **_**Industrial Organizational Psychology**_**. In English that means: So you want to work in Human Resources. After I took the class, I realized that I did NOT want to work in HR. Now, I have all this worthless information in my head. I decided to do something and write a story based on some of it.**

**Oh…before I forget…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own LWD and in no way, shape, or form will ever even **_**imply**_** that I own or have anything to do with the HR…stuff that follows.**

* * *

No matter how many happy plants and colorful pictures they put around the waiting room, no one was really going to believe that taking a visit to HR was what they had been waiting for their whole lives. Looking at the other two occupants of the HR waiting room George was fairly certain they'd agree with him.

Leslie, a new associate, tossed her severally outdated magazine back on the pile and turned to George and Brad, the firm's resident workaholic patent attorney. Smiling in an effort to make her coming comment seem funnier, Leslie asked, "What are you two in for?"

Brad leaned his head back against the wall and sighed. It was obvious that he wished he'd brought some paperwork with him. Despite that, he spoke first.

"I made the mistake of answering that stupid stress test correctly. My ex and I finally finalized our divorce after five years of being separated. Add in the fact that my dog and my Dad both died, HR got worried. It didn't matter how many times I told them I was closer to my dog than my Dad."

Leslie laughed as she replied, "I got high marks on the stress test due to moving and a new job. They want to make sure I don't crack my first year here."

"No," George snarked. "That's how they like to celebrate your tenth anniversary."

"How about you, George?" Brad asked. "How did they catch you?"

"It probably has to do with that promotion I turned down."

"Of course. They only employ workaholics here."

"Why did you turn down a promotion?" Leslie asked wide-eyed.

"Surprisingly," Brad answered for him. "George likes his family better than he likes us."

"What can I say, Brad? Nora's just better looking that you."

As Brad and Leslie burst into peals of laughter, what could only be described as a living Businessman Ken Doll walked into the room with a large grin that perfectly showed off his capped teeth. "George Venturi, why don't you come on back?" he said with a liquid smooth voice.

Exchanging a look of disbelief with Brad, George pushed himself out of his amazingly uncomfortable but exceedingly comfy-looking chair. Following HR Ken to his office, George idly wondered if the guy was once a model. He looked like the kind of guys that were in all those magazines Casey and Emily looked at.

Once they were seated and introductions and the complementary glass of water or coffee was offered and turned down, HR Ken—otherwise known as Philip—said, "As I'm sure you know, you scored fairly high on the stress test."

"And it used to be a good thing to get a high score," George cracked.

Philip gave him a smile, but George was unsure if Philip actually understood the joke.

"Here in Human Resources we are concerned about the entire wellbeing of our employees, not just your work performance."

George, sensing that Philip wanted a response to that, slowly said, "Thanks?"

"It's the least we can do."

Yep, George decided, HR had no sense of humor.

"Since your score was so high, we would like to talk to you and see if there is anything we can do to help you regain balance."

"I don't really think…"

Interrupting, Philip stated, "It says here that you recently remarried."

"That's right."

"How's the second marriage going?"

"Very well. Nora and I are happy."

"And how's your relationship with your step-daughters?"

"Casey and Lizzie are wonderful girls. I love them like they were my own daughters."

"And how are your children getting along with Nora's?"

Inwardly George sighed and wondered if Dave from Accounting was just kidding when he said that all HR wanted was for you to burst into tears and declare the talk a cathartic release. In response they would cut you loose and you'd be free from HR for another year. Unable to bring forward a dose of fake tears, George decided to give in and just talk to this guy.

"Marti is thrilled to have older sisters and Casey is very good with her. Lizzie and Edwin are attached at the hip; you'd almost think they were twins. Derek has helped coach Lizzie in hockey and has declared her his successor."

"And Casey and Derek…"

"Well, they are always arguing, calling each other names, pulling pranks, sometimes the fighting becomes physical."

"Would you like some pamphlets on helping blended families get along?" Philip asked with almost too much concern.

"Do you have any daughters of your own?"

Surprised at George's question, Philip lost his overly concerned look and shook his head no.

Nodding, George replied, "Then you really aren't going to understand. Marti's only five. I thought I had years before I had to worry about the Dad to Boyfriend 'I'll kill you if you make my baby cry' talk."

"But, what's this have to do with Derek and Casey not getting along?" Philip was thoroughly confused.

"It'd be alright if I actually thought that the reason Derek and Casey fight is because they _don't_ like each other."

"They don't?"

"They put way to much effort into it for that to be true."

"So, you're afraid…"

"Unresolved sexual tension practically sparks from them. And then, Derek seems to have this weird ability to talk Casey into stupid things she wouldn't normally do. Like the time they had a party while Nora and I were gone." Sighing, George added, "I'd really like them to be well into their twenties before I become a grandfather. Actually, I'd like them to be well into their twenties and married for a couple of years before I have to worry about them even _doing_ anything that might make me a grandfather."

"Wow," Philip said, clearly overwhelmed. "No wonder you scored so high on the stress test."

"Yeah."

"I don't have any pamphlets on that."

"I'm not surprised," George replied. "So, am I free to go?"

"I guess," Philip replied. "But, I'm supposed to help you learn to de-stress."

George thought about this for a second before offering, "Talking to you was very cathartic. How about I come back to chat the next time my home life becomes overwhelming?"

Philip thought about this for a second before nodding. "That will do. So, see you next year?"

"Hopefully I won't need to see you before then."

"Good luck," Philip replied, and it was clear he really meant that.


	2. Year Two

This time, Philip was ready for him. This time, he had pamphlets. It took him a while, and almost a year of research, but Philip found relevant information on step-sibling dating. He couldn't wait for his appointment with George Venturi.

George, for his part, forgot all about his conversation with Philip almost as soon as he had it. So, coming in for his yearly review to find Corporate Ken grinning at him almost manically had surprised him. George was even more surprised when Philip started handing over his carefully found pamphlets.

"Why are you giving me these?"

Philip deflated like a balloon. "You mean, you don't need them?"

"Why would I need _Learning to Explore Your Feelings: A Guide to Awkward Dating Situations_? I _am_ married."

"It's for Derek and Casey. Your oldest teens," Philip added as if George didn't know who they were.

"Derek and Casey seem to be dating fine."

"They got together!"

"Oh, that," George sighed. "No. I was hoping to spend this year in denial. After the D-Rock grinding episode I decided to just pretend like I didn't know what was going on."

"Oh," Philip sighed, clearly disappointed.

"They're dating other people. Neither of which really fit them, but," he said shrugging, "what can I do? Neither of them really listen to me."

"I have pamphlets on that," Philip quickly offered.

"No, thanks."

The silence that then reigned was rather uncomfortable but George was enjoying the quiet and was willing to endure the weirdness just to experience the rare find.

"Are they still fighting?" Philip asked.

Even as he said it, Philip knew he was sounding like a fan boy. It was just, he decided, that Derek and Casey's relationship had him intrigued. There was a star-crossed lovers quality…even in his thoughts he didn't let himself go farther. Anymore and his wife would be the more manly one in their relationship, Philip decided.

"Yeah," George absently answered the question. "Though Derek did leave his date at Prom to go pick up Casey. He got her a new dress and everything. Her boyfriend left her at home."

"Why is she still dating him? My wife wouldn't even give me the time of day if I pulled that."

"Nora and I think it's because he's popular and safe."

"Not Derek?"

"Not Derek," George agreed.

After a moment or two, Philip cautiously asked, "George, if anymore developments come along, would you mind telling me?"

"Are you asking for gossip about my children?" George asked, blinking in disbelief.

"Derek and Casey are the most interesting thing to hit HR in ages."

George started to laugh. Philip just stared at him curiously, hoping George would agree.

Finally, able to breathe once more, George replied, "So that's why Lizzie and Ed follow them around. Entertainment factor."

Face falling, Philip replied, "I understand."

"Don't get me wrong," George interrupted. "I just doubt I'll remember to tell you."

"Oh. Well, then till next year?"

"Not that I'm complaining, but aren't you supposed to ask me about my stress levels?"

"How are your stress levels?" Philip mechanically asked.

"I think they're lowering. I am doing denial pretty well and I've gotten used to the arguing."

"Well, that's good." Feeling that he ought to add something helpful, Philip said, "Remember to get at least eight hours of sleep a night. Less sleep equals more stress."

"I'll keep that in mind," George replied seriously. Laughing, he added, "Maybe Nora and I will drug the children at dinner so we can get to bed early."

Instead of being phased by that, Philip very seriously replied, "Make sure to check that the doses are correct for their age and weight. You want to put them out, not kill them."

George raised an eyebrow at that but decided it was best not to comment.


	3. Year Five

Looking at his calendar, Philip was surprised to find that George Venturi was scheduled to meet with him today. Year three, Philip and his wife went to his parents' golden fiftieth wedding anniversary during the time he usually interviewed George. Year Four, his wife's little sister decided to get married and no matter what he said, he had to go to that.

Now, it was five years since Philip had first interviewed George Venturi regarding his stress test. Seeing George's name again, however, whet his curiosity. What had finally happened to Derek and Casey?

The day seemed to go slow for the HR Ken Doll, as it always does when one is impatiently waiting for something to happen. Finally, however, George's appointment arrived.

Smiling brilliantly, Philip asked, "So, what's been going on? How's your stress levels?"

Sighing, George slumped in his seat. "Oh, I'm fine. Really."

Philip, confused, replied, "You added 'really.'"

"I'm trying _The Power of Positive Thinking_. Maybe if I say it enough, everything will be fine."

"What happened?"

Surprising himself with his need to chat about this and realizing he was becoming Casey with Paul, George said, "My son, Derek come home from college for the summer."

"What did he do?"

Tipping his head back against the chair he was sitting in, George sighed, "He eloped. After six months of marriage, Derek decided now would be a good time to introduce his wife to us. I think the young ones are going to need therapy."

Eyes ever widening, Philip asked, "How did he introduce her?"

Suddenly understanding what Philip was trying to imply, George quickly shook his head no. "No! No, nothing like that. No one walked in on anything."

"Oh...But, is this really that awful? Is something wrong with his wife?"

"You mean besides the fact that she's his stepsister? No. We all like Casey. I can't deny that."

"Derek and Casey got married?!"

"That's pretty much what Lizzie and Edwin said when we told them. Marti wasn't surprised. She's hoping they'll have a baby soon. Nora and I aren't really sure why and to be honest, we're kind of afraid to ask."

"Six months is better than years, right?" Philip asked uncertainly. He had been interested before, but now he was like a fish out of water.

"Nora and I aren't sure they would have told us at all if it weren't for the fact that they wanted to share a bedroom." At Philip's surprised look, George added, "They thought we'd disapprove."

"Oh...Do you?"

"No, not really. Casey has gotten Derek to get serious and Derek has gotten Casey to relax. They're good for each other. Nora and I just wish they would have told us before. Nora's upset that she didn't get to see her baby get married."

"Oh...So, is the stress higher or lower than before?"

George laughed. "It hasn't changed. This is just a regular occurrence in the Venturi family. We've never been completely normal. Why should we start now?"

Philip considered this for a moment before saying, "I have pamphlets on how to deal with unexpected life changes."

After a second, George nodded. "Hand them over."


End file.
